Comedy gags & sketches Breaking the News and Off the Ball.

I’ve posted unused jokes, lines and submissions for both Breaking the News and Off the Ball, just in case anyone is bored and fancies seeing what is sent in. The submission for Off the Ball was submitted ahead of editorial changes due to lockdown.

BTN April 10 2020                                                            Andy Bollen

A motorist caught speeding at 110mph told police he had travelled more than 100 miles to London to buy bread because it was cheaper…then forgot he’d left the grill on.

Three baby owl chicks born at Whitburn’s Scottish Owl Centre were named Storm, Ciara and Dennis after the recent UK storms. And three chicks born yesterday are to be named Hand-Sanitiser, Ventilator and Face-Mask.

A middle-aged couple of giant pandas in a Hong Kong theme park have mated for the first time in 13 years, after enjoying some privacy thanks to the coronavirus lockdown…They’ve just got bored like everybody else…nothing else to do fancy it?

Killing Eve actress Jodie Comer says she used to be terrified by premiers and photoshoots now she just stabs anyone who looks at her the wrong way.

Jessie Sinclair, the second oldest woman in Scotland, celebrated her 110th birthday – and said PORRIDGE was the secret of her long life, she loves Ronnie Barker as Fletch…

The Spice Girls are reuniting for a 2021 world tour to ‘spread positivity’ in the wake of coronavirus The Mid Life Crisis Menopause Tour will be sponsored by Prosecco.

Scotland’s chief medical officer has resigned after making two trips to her second home during the coronavirus lockdown. The chief medical officer seemed quite nonchalant as she skipped off…she’d just signed herself off for three months, on Valium, Tramadol and Prozac.

Scotland’s chief medical officer has resigned after making two trips to her second home during the coronavirus lockdown. The chief medical officer tweeted ‘result, Jackson Carlow get to fu…signed myself off for three months, Valium, Tramadol and Prozac #lockdown #boxsets #buyingthirdhome

Nigeria has gone bagpipe crazy after its president revealed his love of the instrument. Courses have been launched across the country, sparking a national craze…the story may have been lost in translation though…they were really saying the president is a big windbag who drones on all the time.

Paying for porn and sexting during the lockdown is now considered cheating, dating experts…its certainly idiotic behaviour in these unprecedented times…to actually pay for porn?

Bernie Ecclestone the ex-Formula One boss is to become a father again at 89…Wow…up all night upset, changing nappies, feeding and winded…right, that’s Bernie fixed, now the baby…

Bernie Ecclestone, the ex-Formula One boss is to become a father again at 89…Wow…that’s going to be fun when he’s doing the school run…when he’s 94 driving a souped-up Zimmer frame…

Linguists researching the history of swearing found the worlds earliest recorded use of the F- Word in the National Library of Scotland Vault in 1568…from an angry village hunter cooking wild boar and venison…a Gordon of Ramsay

Linguists researching the history of swearing found the world’s earliest recorded use of the F- Word in the National Library of Scotland Vault in 1568…It’s thought to come from a review of a strange, awkward and gauche local female jester and clown called Miranda

Mel Gibson has revealed he lost his famous six-pack after developing a taste for haggis, no you’ll find that was a deep-fried battered haggis supper, Mel, with chips…freedom!!!!

Gwyneth Paltrow is flogging a range of vibrators to help her fans through self-isolation…Ironically she named one the Coldplay after her ex…it’s just goes on…and on…and on…

A Dalek has been spotted patrolling the streets of a small village – Robin Hood’s Bay in Yorkshire –  and ordering “all humans to self-isolate”…Though the Dalek is fly, he claimed to have a temperature and a tickly cough and looking for the doctor.

Bernie Sanders is dropping out of the presidential race. Joe Biden is now the Democratic nominee against President Trump. Two old eejits going for it in between matron administrating their medication.

So what are your first impressions of the new Labour leader?

He has great hair but looks and sounds like a Spitting Image puppet waiting to happen.

Macaulay Culkin will pocket £2.5million for a walk-on cameo in new Home Alone reboot…Macaulay said it was the easiest job he’d ever had; he accidentally played a long haired alcoholic drug addict sleeping on the streets…

Keir Starmer is the new Labour leader. He’s different from Jeremy Corbyn as he doesn’t have a beard, an allotment and seems to like Jews.

Scotland’s relationship with swearing has actually evolved over the centuries and we now can swear between sweary words.

Off the Ball April 11 2020                                       Andy Bollen

GERRARD:

Alright…it’s Steve Gerrard here…Now I hope you are all social distancing and washing your hands. I’m a legend, so I find it easy to be aloof and distance myself from the unimportant people. I’ve also washed me hands of the league, cup and Alfredo Morelos…honestly. Yes, but while I’m self-isolating, I’ve been following the twitter banter on @offtheballBBC and downloading the show on BBC Sounds. Should the league be stopped and the title given to Celtic with an asterisk beside it forever questioning the validity of a possible ten-in-a-row? Absolutely. 100%

V/O                      Will you do that with Liverpool too? Title with an asterisk?

GERRARD:         Never!!! Outside now…FX PUNCH KICK WALLOP

GRAMS:               OUT…In the Air Tonight…

(Poss week 2)

BORIS JOHNSON:

Yes uhh hello it’s you’re PM here, bravely calling the show from my hospital bed. Honestly, the twitter @offtheballBBC and listening again on BBC Sounds have got me through. Anyway, a quick catch up folks, oh sorry must pretend to be struggling to breathe and look sick, here comes Jacob Rees-Mogg on his penny-farthing with Michael Gove, who looks like he’s ate the contents of the ward’s drug trolley. Anyway, so, have to say I’m slightly disappointed Tam, I’m locked in a room in isolation, not because of the virus but to keep me from the nurses on the ward…Slightly disappointed nurses no longer wear tight uniforms and stockings like they did when Benny Hill chased them in the 1970s. God bless the NHS nonetheless.

QUEEN:

Yes hello, it’s your madge here, calling on you all in these our darkest times to continue to support Off the Ball by following on twitter @offtheballBBC and listen again on BBC Sounds. I do so love that young Jason Leitch…He can come round with his stethoscope anytime and be firm and frank with his advice to me…Also, we must never forget in these our darkest of days to always consider those we love dearly and look after them, that is why I say we rally round the Rangers and I have decreed this year’s season null and void, so Stevie G and the boys can party like it’s 1690…

Off the Ball April 11 2020                                       Andy Bollen

Chris McLaughlin:

Yes, hello, this is Chris McLaughlin, still walking around the Clyde looking for someone to do a football vox pop with…Where is everyone? Has something happened? Normally my finger is on the pulse with everything but everyone seems to be pure patching me, oh here comes a jogger…Oh, it’s Labour’s Jim Murphy, even he wouldn’t stop and talk and he runs around all day looking for camera crews. Wash hands. COVID-19, Corona? Ha, some idiot doesn’t get that it should be La Coruna…Obviously…Better get to work on yet another career-defining exclusive. Let’s say, yes let’s say Rangers are in for him? A deal is on the table after his parent club La Coruna washed their hands for a Spanish based superstitious Brazilian the No 19, named COVID…Still got it…and send…

(Week 2)

Rod Stewart:

Alright me old treacles, Sir Rod the Mod here…Are we all OK? Well what a time of it eh? It’s not the best time to be jetting around the globe ignoring health warnings about staying in. I mean, a 75-year-old grandad with underlying health issues, what’s to worry about eh? Yeah loving the show as always…loving twitter @offtheballBBC, the old what’s-it-name, Facebook and, if like me your partial to a little afternoon power nap catch up by listening on BBC Sounds. Well, I hope we’re all safe, and taking care. Some tasty little ticket ran up to me the other day and handed me a pen, I thought she wanted an autograph but she wanted in the will. I can still leg it…People keep asking me why I’m not too over fussed about the pandemic, well it’s because I wear a four-leaved-clover, on my chest, and that keeps me lucky. Also, in the sick rock star who’s next sweep I’ve got Elton dahlings…ha ha ha…only joking…

Hipster couple last thirty-three minutes in new life off-the-grid.

Living off-the-grid isn’t as cool as it sounds. Just ask Guy and Joolz Starkey. They lasted thirty-three minutes in their new life. The hipster couple who worked in advertising and social media, before deciding to quit the rat race and live a more basic life. Now they are regretting the lack of research and what it means to starve and die without access to emergency services.

‘I just thought it meant we were being a bit quirky and edgy by not using Instagram, Twitter and Facebook,” confirmed Joolz. “Yeah, I understood that for most of the day we wouldn’t be phoning in for a pizza. I was enthusiastic, thinking I’d maybe get into shape, all buff and lithe by chopping trees for fire wood and cutting out sugar, yeah but it was a nightmare.”

Guy said the adventure had changed both their opinions on what it  actually meant to go off-the-grid. “It didn’t start too well, we could not find our new cave because there was no GPS signal. Then we had to catch a fish and it was moving, it’s eyes were looking at me and I was expected to gut it. I just couldn’t do it.”

The couple thought going off-the-grid meant that for a few hours a day they wouldn’t have the internet and would be able to read but then someone switched on the internet later.

No running water meant no shower or flushing toilets with Guy and Joolz having to use their excrement as compost. After thirty-three minutes without food and coffee, things took a bad turn when, Joolz started eating mushrooms and almost killed herself and went into anaphylactic shock. 

“We thought there would be a secret artisan baker and cheese mongers hidden away but no, nothing. Just cold, hunger and nothingness.”

Hipsters be warned.

Jacob Rees-Mogg always lazes across five seats at Mass, confirms parish Priest

Jacob Rees-Mogg has caused outrage with his body language at Westminster, during a three-hour late-night debate on Brexit. The leader of the House of Commons slouched and behaved like a spoiled, little rich kid.

Millions took to twitter to meme the f**k out of the punk in response to his despicable act of contempt. Rees-Mogg was accused of being contemptuous despite looking like the physical embodiment of a deflated Spitting Image puppet that had taken a stroke.

Some questioned the political consequences of the Moggster meme outbreak thinking it would trivialise what should be a real campaign of spiteful vitriol. Others claimed it merely confirmed what they already knew, he was acting like an Old Etonian bell-end and member of the Tory Establishment who thinks he owns the place.

It appears the behavior is commonplace in the life of the MP for North East Somerset.

“That whole physical embodiment of arrogance, entitlement, disrespect, and contempt is there when he swans into mass,” said his local Parish priest Fr Simon O’Williams, of St Filibusters. “In keeping with the big Westminster occasions, PMQs or a crucial Brexit related vote, he tends to show up like some Billy Big Time star for Midnight Mass or Easter Sunday, and really noises up the locals by taking up their regular seats.”

In fact, he is so unpopular with regulars at St Filibusters, fellow parishioners have signed an online petition after the priest was forced, during communion, to come to him and drop the Eucharist into his mouth like some Roman slave dropping grapes into Nero.

“He acts as if he owns the place here too,” O’Williams concluded, “he stretches out, taking up loads of seats. No one says anything to him. If they do, he uses a witty cutting put down, in Latin. No one here really has the Latin yet, for despicable c**t.”

ERG demand more stringent checks over amount of blacks in Midget Gems

The European Research Group, have been overheard mouthing off in a drunken pub conversation making demands on the famous confectionery, Midget Gems. They are weighing up an outrageous plan to demand legislation over the amount of blacks in a jar of the famous sweets.

Chief wind up merchant, Jacob Rees-Mogg, was said to be ‘getting lippy’ in his local boozer, the British Bulldog, and has confirmed the situation reached boiling point after he stopped off at his old sweet shop.

‘It was outrageous, I bought a quarter of Midget Gems from the village’s Ye Olde Sweet Shop, and it had seventeen blacks, two vanillas, one green, an orange but no reds. It’s a disgrace and a reflection on the degradation of our values as a great nation. There are just too many blacks, it’s not sustainable.’

The ERG immediately convened and decided to ask for what amounts to Midget Gem ethnic cleansing in any Brexit deal negotiations with Theresa May.

One ERG insider confirmed, ‘The Prime Minister is at the end of her tether and willing to accept anything. We thought of making demands to bring back the Robinson’s Golly and Black Jacks but settled for Midget Gems.

Hairy ear and nostrils polling expert Professor Sir Curtice Johns added: ‘The Westminster bubble may ridicule the ERG but analysis shows the British public go mental when confectionery is subject to such an open door policy. They might be with Jacob and the ERG.’ 

When pushed about the blacks in Sports Mixture and Wine Gums, Rees-Mogg claimed,  ‘Ah but yes, they are a better breed, a nicer black and taste of blackcurrant, not nasty liquorice.’

Sports twat finally admits he knows f**k all about American Football.

A self-confessed sports nut has finally came out the closet and admitted he doesn’t understand the rules of American Football. After years of patronising his friends, Nigel Starkey, from Cleethorpes, admitted he was flummoxed with the rules of American Football.

Friend, Henry Newman, was taken aback at the revelations over a lunch time pint in the Hair of the Dog. ‘Nigel is a renowned sports mad know-it-all. We all know one. The sort who tells you bets they placed, after the event, not before. We were shocked when he came out as a total idiot. For 27 years, he was our expert on American Football. We always wondered why he was so haughty about the game, turns out he didn’t know what was happening. Now he’s just like the rest of us, goes along with the event for the beer and pizza but couldn’t really give a toss about what’s actually happening. I recorded him at lunchtime in the local on my phone.’

Silly shaped football

Looking sheepish and pale during the video footage Starkey confessed: ‘I have some quite staggering news to tell you. I’m ashamed to say, despite bullying all of you for decades about American Football and my excitement for the Super Bowl, I don’t have a clue what is going on. In fact I never have, I just thought it made me better than you and I got caught up in the early hype when it came over from America at first. I’m sorry.’

Nigel was reluctant to comment further but admitted his epiphany occurred after a few too many beers when watching BBC coverage and saw a talking horse which turned out to be England football manager, Gareth Southgate.

Rees-Mogg and Farage fall out with Boris over refusal to have Hard Brexit Tattoo

Westminster is awash with rumours over the real reason Jacob Rees-Mogg and Nigel Farage have distanced themselves from fellow outspoken Brexiteer, Boris Johnson. Johnson wasn’t hard enough to get hard Brexit No Deal Tattoos.

Hard Brexit No Deal Tattoos.

Scared.

Many political commentators have wondered why normally intelligent, if politically off-kilter people like Nigel Farage and Jacob Rees-Mogg are so vehemently up for a hard Brexit.

“Yeah, it’s because they have committed to the ink,” confirmed showbiz tattooist HipsterInk. “Both have gone ahead and had tattoos done and are in need of a No Deal Hard Brexit to tie in with their ink. Boris, just like he did at the start, is afraid to make his mind up.”

Farage whose Brexit vehemence is based upon it ‘being good for fags…good for real ale’. And Jacob Rees-Mogg that ‘shoes for the poor, street urchins and chimney sweeps will be cheaper’. Yet we still don’t know what Boris wants from Brexit.

HipsterInk added, “They could end up looking more ridiculous than the idiot who got the England World Cup winning tattoo. I did both their ink and they are big tattoos. They will look stupid if there isn’t a hard Brexit. They have their torsos, arms and backs covered with Hard Brexit tattoos.”

Whatever the reason , Boris Johnson is out the loop, and it’s because he was never sure to stay or leave and senses he may have jumped aboard the wrong political bandwagon.

“HipsterInk added, “Farage joked with me when he was last in, saying maybe Boris is just like his ex-wives, mistresses and bits on the side, afraid of little pricks.”

Tories show up at opening of sperm bank

 

Three conservative MPs showed up at the opening of a new sperm bank with no sense of irony to what they were opening. They smiled, cheered and whooped excitedly for cameras as they cut the ribbon.

Lead by local Tory MP, Tristan Wankertoff, who told reporters, “It’s a brilliant idea for the town, especially at this time of year, when we should be thinking of others. I encourage everyone who can spare a few moments to drop by and give a hand. At this time of year, people should be thinking about donations.”

The move comes after Tories were criticised for celebrating at the opening of food banks. Now it appears they can’t resist any sort of bank opening and a photo op. 

The manager of the bank, Dr Norma Snockers, said she found their ignorance hard to swallow.

“I think these idiots would show up at the opening of an envelope. Even when they were touring the sperm bank they didn’t have a firm grasp of what they were actually opening. They kept referring to the gift that keeps on giving. We have a lovely lounge with old nude books and soft porn to help visitors through the process. But they appeared to miss the subtleties.”

Mr Wankertoff and colleagues continued to wave and smile for the press adding, “It’s an incredible space, well done, they’ve really managed to pull it off.”

 

Elephant in the room sick of being ignored.

 

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

Photo by rawpixel.com on Pexels.com

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

Dave the office elephant is absolutely raging at the way he’s being ignored in meetings. Dave, who’s head of sales, has reported the situation to his bosses.

“It’s just terrible. I’m being undermined. My colleagues seem to act, as if I’m not there. When I go in for a meeting, they are deliberately side-stepping me and talking around me. No one mentions me. No one speaks directly to me.”

At first, Dave was polite but no more. “I’m not having it. It’s bullying, plain and simple. The other day, they didn’t even offer me a doughnut or a cookie and I was absolutely starving having overslept and missed my breakfast. I’m getting the union involved and taking this all the way.”    

Dave claims whenever his colleagues need a date, a phone number, or any fact or figure, his nickname is Wikipedia and they are all over him.

“Yes, whenever it’s something trivial like an address of a colleague, or their phone number they find a reason to speak to me. Yes that’s right, because I have a brilliant memory, I never forget.”

The union were speaking to lawyers about metaphorical idiom abuse in the workplace while monitoring Dave’s anger management issues. Others deny any abuse but the union have spoken to Frank, a-fly-on- the-wall, who has confirmed Dave’s claims.

“When it suits them they crack jokes about my big ears, ask if I took a trunk road. Yesterday one told me to go back home to Africa? Really? I’m this close to resorting to type and going berserk and crushing their heads like watermelons.”

Friends who aren’t doing Christmas cards this year and giving to charity lying c***s

 

 

A wide ranging Christmas survey has revealed millions of people who say they are not doing Christmas cards this year but giving to charity instead are mostly lying cunts.

The survey highlighted the case of miserable tight wad, Simon Williams, who claimed to friends he was giving to a food bank only to be called out when the local food bank in Tory stronghold market town Cuntcester ceased operations because the locals were too selfish.

“I got sick of him being so miserable, especially at this time of year,” claimed now former friend, Nigel Starkey. “Then I started to think he might be right, it’s genuinely in the spirit of the true meaning of Christmas to help others. I started giving him a tenner to give to the food bank too. When I phoned, the line was dead and I found out they’d closed three years ago due to a lack of donations…”

However, despite being pilloried by many as a Scrooge figure, millions have held Williams up as an ante hero, mostly because they are too parsimonious to part with the money for stamps. 

“Christmas cards are for old people man,” said Williams, aged 57, as he checked his rapidly growing Instagram following. He also posted a photograph of his Christmas jumper which read: ‘proud to be tight as a gnat’s chuff.’

Williams gained notoriety a few years ago when he tried to charge a robin who was nesting in his garden and eating wild berries for bed and breakfast. It is thought he used the food bank money to buy bird poison on the internet.  

As we went to press, local reports claim Williams was rushed to hospital with suspected Novichok nerve agent poisoning, after sneezing when trying to kill his robins. 

 

 

 

Islay’s wild goats undergo SAS training and can now throw grenades and fire Kalashnikovs.

 

A wild Galloway goat in Dumfries and Galloway rural setting

 

A crack team of top goats has been recruited to hit back at hardcore hunter tourists. Following the social media images of a uniformed TV host shooting a hapless beast, local inhabitant and former SAS hit man, Captain Simon Williams, has trained up to 20 of the wild goats to ambush, attack with grenades and fire automatic machine guns. 

“Islay is full of wild goats and they are up against at the moment. Hunting culture is huge in Scotland but we need to raise the bar, make it fairer. It’s amazing but with some bribes, apples and turnips, the goats have learned quickly to shoot, throw hand grenades and they make amazing snipers.”

The biggest problem with the crack elite Goat Force One is they are too trusting especially when it comes to food. Not any more. “We had to train them to ignore people with turnips and to assume everyone was an enemy.” Captain Williams continued, “First up, we trained them to listen for Range Rovers, then obnoxious, unusual boastful accents and tones. Then to hide and wait. You have to say goats with Kalshnikovs makes it a little fairer.”

It would seem the training is working. Within the hunting and shooting community rumours are rife of missing hunter tourists. They are thought to be held as hostages in a remote cave. Rumours around Islay too of one particular wild goat, named Billy, who is like the John Wayne of the crack team.

Captain Williams explained, “Yes that’s our maverick, Big Billy, he’s a nutter, but very bright. He showed me his approach. He pretends to be dead and while his captives film videos or have a photo taken of a trophy kill, he sticks the head on the hunter, cuts their throat and forces the friend to take a photo of him with his victim. He’s some goat.”