The PM is putting the finishing touches to a revealing heartfelt tome in which she openly admits she’s been on the glue for years.
An insider claimed that the now infamous walk she and her fiendishly bespectacled millionaire husband, Philip, was the turning point. ‘Most people think that’s when they decided to have a general election when in fact they were out in the woods ferociously hunting for their glue stash and discarded nude books. They were on the hunt for glue.’
The Prime Minister and her husband Philip will use an appearance on BBC 1’s tediously cumbersome and awkward One Show to reveal their adhesive abuse. They will reveal the glue makes them feel invincible, power crazed and slightly unhinged. The insider continued: ‘when they are on the glue you can see them transform. They start listening to hardcore punk from Black Flag, Dead Kennedys and Bad Brains. Then, they want to bring back slavery, public executions of the poor and Alf Garnet’.
Meanwhile, Emmanuel Macron, France’s youngest leader since Napoleon, has vowed to use his massive landslide victory to underline the tide of change in France by adding more cowbell to the French national anthem La Marseilles.
La Marseillaise is a patriotic call to arms. The song was written in 1792 by Claude Joseph Rouget de Lisle and hasn’t had a remix since then. Macron claims the song needs a breath of fresh air. An insider said ‘the rugby and football team have hijacked the song and we believe it just needs a little cowbell overdub. Everybody loves cowbell.’
Mr Macron was elected on a pro-EU platform and has got it right up the far right by meddling with their anthem. The former banker and centrist outsider claims the anthem needs some cowbell and will add more syncopation to an already rousing, if dusty anthem which will signal the end of the old guard.
Not everyone wants more cowbell though and some fear Macron’s overzealous use of cowbell could trigger anti-cowbell riots.