Caramel Blog: Just Taking the Biscuit
The Mischievous Adventures of Oor Wullie Rennie.
Oor Wullie Rennie may have a name which sounds like Viagra for heartburn sufferers but do you know he has superhero powers?
You may have witnessed that warm, hapless expression and thought, what a nice man but what is the point of Wullie Rennie?
Ever wondered why cheeky Wullie always smiles so mischievously and makes everyone love him? In a new book, he is expected to reveal that for years he has a superpower. By drinking special milk, he’s able to fart silent but non-violent emissions and let rip. He emits love gas. No matter how aggressive or violent the interviewer or political opponent, everyone becomes happy-go-lucky because of his silent but non-violent farts.
Here we see him test his mix on a poor wee lamb who was soon farting pumps smelling of lavender and a magical secret formula that made people smile and fawn and affectionately grab his cheeky monkey face and become all mushy.
In one chapter he explains that on the doorstep, while canvassing, he faced a right wing neo Nazi KKK family. They are vicious, insulting and starting to become extremely violent toward him with motorcycle chains, chainsaws and the like. He smiles in the face of their profanity, knowing that before he knocked the door, he’d drunk some magical farting milk. He farts and they warm to them.
Wullie reveals he received surprise phone call from CIA. President Obama wanted him to attend secret talks with Syria leader and both fall for Oor Willie’s charms:
The Rat (Investigative Undercover Reportage)
Following weeks of subterfuge and skilled investigation, The Rat can exclusively reveal co-convener of the Scottish Green Party, – ‘don’t call me leader’- Patrick Harvey lives a double-life.
In public, he badgers everyone about their responsibility to save the whale and the planet and that kind of stuff but privately he doesn’t practice what he preaches.
We can reveal Patrick Harvey not only drives a Hummer, has a big coal powered furnace which he uses to heat his house- a house that isn’t insulated by the way. Apart from all that, he uses lorry loads of hairspray even though bald and incredibly owns a huge farm with 2000 cows. ‘Honestly,’ said an insider (his coalman, Jock) ‘his fossil fuel consumption is epic. The hypocrite wears his Kyoto Protocol t-shirt while stoking up his huge coal powered furnace. It’s amazing, the public can’t get enough of his lentil loving right-on green messiah spiel.’ We tried to speak to Mr Harvey but unsurprisingly, he wouldn’t comment.
Boris Johnson Brings Great Uncle Bulgaria into Brexit Campaign Team
Boris Johnson revealed a major coup, when he announced Great Uncle Bulgaria, (real name Bulgaria Coburg Womble) the eccentric Times crossword lover and elder statesman of The Wombles will prove to be a key mover and shaker in his Brexit campaign.
Of course, keen Womble fans will know that Great Uncle Bulgaria’s ‘eccentricity’ and propensity to shout ‘why not eff off back to your own country’ and his many off camera right-wing tirades are down to hammering the Buckie. Keen-eyed spotters of the tonic will notice a discarded half bottle being tidied up in the credits.
Boris added, ‘It was difficult to find an iconic cultural and 1970s TV figure still untarnished by Operation Yewtree but we think he’ll bring so much to our Brexit campaign. Not only is he the wisest of The Wombles, but he talks so much common sense, he even has a name of a European country and wears cool Tartan gear. We’re delighted to bring Great Uncle Bulgaria to the table.’
Tobermory was in rehab and refused to comment.
Modern Life is Rubbish: Not News…
Man was ostracised, whipped and beaten for eating white bread…Kenny Graham, 33, said it started as a bit of fun with call centre colleagues gathering around him and salivating as he ate every bit of the plain loaf, gammon and real butter sandwich. Things got ugly by day three when the mob starting getting vocal, some started to push. ’That’s so bad for you’…’that’s just pure sugar.’ By Friday, they all just snapped, Kenny said, ‘It went ballistic, before I knew it, the violence spilled over. They were like a pack of wild dogs. I was being kicked and punched. Not that wild dogs can kick or punch. They turned into salivating zombies. Then the manager pulled off his leather belt and started whipping me and they fought like wild beasts over my pieces.’ Upsetting indeed.
Hipster Brewer Not Hip Enough…
There’s insurrection in the ranks of uber-cool craft beer maker, Jaggy Bonnet. As the very public disintegration continued, a court heard that as Jaggy Bonnet IPA approached their IPO there was what could best be described as a stooshie in their ultra hip and groovy boardroom, a soft play area, with space hoppers for seats.
Caught on the Hop…
Marcus Watts, the creator of Jaggy Bonnet, the artisan craft beer company taking the world by storm has been at loggerheads with his partners for some time over a new product, set to revolutionise the drinks world. Watts has apparently created a unique artisan beer which the more you drink, the more sober you become.
The company’s financial director, Fergus Stockton said ‘It’s just one gimmick too far. Drinking yourself sober is just too outside the box, even for us.’ Things reached breaking point when Mills challenged Stockton, not to a square-go but to a space hopper race and Stockton has never forgiven him for ‘whipping his sorry butt’. Stockton, freestyle full beard sculpture and Musketeer moustache winner for three years in a row, claimed it was a disgrace that the company’s figurehead not only couldn’t grow a beard, but didn’t have any tattoos and was too fat to wear ultra tight black jeans.
Responding to Stockton’s claims, Watts, 46, said ‘Admittedly, I could act like I’m a 22 year-old and wear jeans that are inappropriate for a middle-aged man. Yes, I do have a phobia with needles so tattoos aren’t my thing. As for the plumage, short of wear a Brother where art Thou? fake beard, they are basically trying to oust me because I’m not hip enough to be a hipster brewer owner.’ The case in front of Lady Cowan, continues.
Industry Insider, ‘Debates need Trash TV for Viewing Figures.
An industry insider (aren’t they always?) claims that if MSPs want to connect with viewers, their format needs a major overhaul. ‘We’re looking at rewriting the whole concept of political debate, going forward. Voters don’t care about tax or the NHS. We’re looking at a reality TV, bake off meets Jeremy Kyle style model. You’re a dead beat junky dad and I am adopting your son, now make me a cake with these slugs and rats gonads.’
Meanwhile Back in Planet Trump:
Remembering 7/11 and the war on cornershops.