A self-service fully automated Laundromat has popped up in Coatbridge…Allowing the local SNP to literally wash their dirty linen in public.
The SFA have backed Gianni Infantino for FIFA President….well Scotland always loves a janny, wonder if he’ll pour sawdust over corruption.
The Pope visited Mexico; the reception was chili…He questioned Donald Trump’s Christianity stating it was unchristian to build a wall. When asked what he would build, the Pope said a bouncy castle.
Kanye West was awarded a special BAFTA, a fellowship electronic tag, a Dundee Rolex, around his ankle…to keep him away. Yeah well he’s pure livid, Kim Kardashian’s arse has finally been recognised and declared a National Park.
Diplomacy was key at the EU negotiations and things didn’t start to well when David Cameron insulted Angela Merkel by introducing her/him as Eddie Izzard.
The Obamas’ welcomed a 106 year-old woman into the Whitehouse. They were shocked when she started to dance, especially when she back flipped, grooved a ghetto bounce and started jerking and krumping.
Despite the heavy political in-depth analysis of Boris Johnson’s decision to leave the EU, experts have tried to find a Faustian pact, the Machiavellian mechanisms, great political strategy, when it turned out Boris’s biggest inspiration was Dad’s Army.
The Flying Scotsman was brought to a standstill by trainspotters. A spokesman blamed anoraks on the tracks.
Boris Johnson stopped being a naughty boy and emerged as the new anti EU Tory messiah…He’s just been canonised and now known as St. Brexit.. Johnson has been declared the saviour of the anti EU Tory right…How did that conversation go? We want you to lay down your life, Boris. We need a futile gesture at this stage.
The BBC is concerned over a lack of producers. A spokesman said the deficit was down to a mass defection to Amazon Prime, hoping Jeremy Clarkson would punch them.
James Martin is set to quit Saturday Kitchen. Producers say he was sent to rehab, he’d become so addicted to butter and sugar he electrocuted himself chewing his tablet.
James Martin is quitting Saturday Kitchen. The BBC announced he’s fighting his demons and in media rehab, suffering from smug.
The Scottish government published BBC Scotland proposals. Culture Secretary Fiona Hyslop is delighted. Full control of the licence fee money raised in Scotland means an additional £100m, just enough to fix her tombstone teeth.
Artists are to illustrate 50 blank sculptures of Oor Wullie sitting on his bucket. Another of Dundee’s most famous fictional sons, was arrested by PC Murdoch, described only as a jealous rival, he was wearing a cowboy hat, named Dan and arrested for defecating in a bucket, he claimed he was desperate.