Terrorist Synthesizers, The Mission Creep & Lumbersexuals…

Nicola Sturgeon claimed she’s fascinated by the art and science of decision-making but in the end, she usually just asks Siri.

The deputy leader of the SNP Stewart Hosie has backed the right of the police to “shoot-to-kill” in the event of a terror attack. As opposed to Jeremy Corbyn’s shoot to win a coconut policy.

Scott Brown amazed directors by the emotional complexity and depth of understanding he brought to his role in Celtic’s festive advert…When asked if he learned from Stanislavski, he quipped is that CSKA Moscow’s centre-half?

One of the Hatton Garden Heist ringleaders known as the guv’nor, 76 year-old Brian Reader took the bus to the job…That’s nothing; his getaway vehicle was a mobility scooter.

The new Scotland strip looks like bubblegum. Ironic really as the bubble has burst on our chances of ever qualifying for anything…ever.

Emoji, Brexit and lumbersexual have been added to the Oxford dictionary it says it’s a “young urban man who cultivates an appearance and style of dress, typified by a beard and checked shirt,” I thought a lumbersexual was a guy from Glasgow going to the dancing…

George Osborne claims we could take out terrorists with Roy Keane, Vinnie Jones and Joey Barton, a team of malicious hackers.

Caffe Nero and Prezzo seem likely to fail hygiene checks. The Food Standard Agency claimed a litany of disasters including staff not washing hands in the toilet…The cappuccinos were quite literally crappuccinos.

Alex Bell, claims Scotland does not earn enough to pay for its current level of spending. Once you accept that, you acknowledge that the SNP’s model is broken. What do we do? We all shove another ten-spot into the kitty.

David Cameron is to have his own version of Air Force One.  The Rolling stones plane had big lips, Led Zep had their logo emblazoned across the plane and Cameron will have a huge pig’s head…

Shoppers are set to splurge £76.1bn this Christmas…well it’s what the Baby Jesus would’ve wanted…tacky jumpers, a tub of cheap chocolates and an attempted murder with the turkey carving knife.

The UK’s three leading cinema chains refused to show an advert by the Church of England featuring the Lord’s Prayer. A spokesman said ‘quite what a religious prayer has in common with millions of fanatical followers and devotees paying billions to enter buildings to pay homage, worship and honour an unbelievable premise based on good versus evil has to do with religion and Star Wars is beyond me…’ Before stopping…

The UK’s three leading cinema chains have refused to show an advert by the Church of England that features the Lord’s Prayer, citing fears that it could offend people, especially if it’s Cliff Richard singing it.

It’s expected that shoppers will spend £76.1 million this Christmas…Whatever happened to the real spirit of Christmas? Of gifts to the poor, the John Lewis Advert, Jesus Mary and Joseph…Now that’s what most people say in January when the credit card bill comes in…JESUS MARY AND JOSEPH!!!!

Koo Stark is to appear in Celebrity Big Brother. The former lover of Prince Andrew christened Starkers by the tabloids had to split because she was in a porn movie is expected to do well in the bush tucker trials, (as she proved in her previous job) she will swallow anything.

The Scottish Police Federation has called for more armed officers stating the country couldn’t cope with a similar scale attack to those in Paris. I agree, I think overall, by and large I’d prefer my policemen with arms, they come in so useful…especially the fingers…

The price of Prosecco could double by New Year, the price has gone crazy thanks to mums convincing kids it’s Santa’s new favourite drink instead of sherry.

Ed Miliband has claimed that Jeremy Corbyn has what it takes to be Prime Minister…mmm like what? Unless it’s compromising Polaroid’s of Cameron and Osborne in gimp suits being taking for a walk by Mistress Theresa May forget it…

This week David Cameron revealed his defence plans, that’s nothing Jeremy Corbyn’s says he’s going to play five across the back and park the bus.

Ed Miliband claimed Jeremy Corbyn had what it takes to become Prime Minister…The number of Ed’s pharmacist…

Questions are being asked about where George Osborne found the money for his U turn? Was it buried like the Hatton Garden Heist stash in a family grave?  Did he ask daddy for a loan? And has anyone seen the Scottish lotto winners recently?

We got to see inside the vast Dr Strangelove/ Bond Baddie lair of Vladimir Putin. The fortified war room with huge screens broadcasting long-range strategic bombers taking off from Russian air bases to fly bombing missions over Syria…All I could think was how much is he paying to Sky or Virgin Media for that package?

Putin can be seen observing the operation from a first floor balcony sitting beside high-level commanders in the Russian army, navy and air force…You know that as soon as everyone’s out he’s on to the Russian equivalent of the adult freeview.

George Osborne shocked millions of viewers at the budget this week…No, not the tax credit U-Turn, by appearing on TV without wearing his Hi-Vis jacket, helmet, Knob the Builder…

Graham Norton has turned to Tinder after splitting from his boyfriend…Just a tip, if you back to his, whatever you do, don’t sit on his big red chair and tell a boring a story…

Bono is a fan of SNP MP Mhairi Black…She better watch, a journalist I know interviewed him over lunch and every time he clicked his fingers in the restaurant, the waiters died.

The former Labour shadow foreign secretary, Douglas Alexander is teaming up with Bono to tackle global poverty…Every time I see Douglas Alexander I think it’s David Cameron after he’s been zapped in the microwave

Andy Murray might not be as Scottish as we first thought…he refused to go mental and get wellied after winning at something.

Murray, who has had more coaches than First Bus and  Parks of Hamilton fired into the LTA for not doing more to capitalise and build on his success…by creating more moaning grumpy winners who like to cut their own hair.

Phil Gormley has been named as new chief Constable of Police Scotland…Police insiders were expecting Scots cops, like bookies favourites PC Murdoch and Taggart.

The fallout continues over Syria. Jeremy Corbyn was hounded by photographers and looked like he’d adopted a method acting approach and was trying become a refugee, by dressing like one in a shell suit from the 1980s…

As the debate raged, Cameron wanted to go gung-ho, the Tories got all John Wayne and Corbyn suggested we un-friend Daesh from Facebook.

The Syrian debate started with a pre-debate about the debate to debate what to a call the enemy in the debate. In that debate it was decided during the main debate that they would call ISIS, So Called Islamic State or ISIL…Daesh which unfortunately is how drunk Scots says Kenny Dalglish’s name when steamboats…Daesh.

The Scottish Government has restricted business travel and lunches and appointed people to switch the lights off after missing their own carbon emissions targets…Either that or ask Presiding officer Tricia Marwick to stop farting…but everyone’s too scared of her.

The Scottish Government has restricted business travel and lunches and appointed people to switch the lights off after missing their own carbon emissions targets…well it’s either that or ask BBC political editor Brian Donald to stop farting.

There are concerns over the way parents are using Calpol…They’re using it as a vodka chaser…Concerns over the way parents are using Calpol…As a cocktail with ice, vodka, gin and some fresh limes…


Korg, Moog and Roland have produced a keyboard that will provide a musical soundtrack to the war in Syria, it’s called a terrorist synthesizer.

Korg, Moog and Roland are to sue David Cameron after mistakenly thinking he called them terrorist synthesizers.

David Cameron called those against extending air assault in Syria, terrorist sympathisers. Some misheard and thought he was saying were terrorist synthesizers…When they left the chamber the Tory frontbench jeered and shouted Synth synth synth.

MPs were asked to vote with their conscience…Me? I prefer a pencil.

There are concerns over exploding self-balancing scooters. On the upside, the RAF could use them to bomb Syria.

Military experts have said the attacks are just token gestures, a couple of Tornados, some Typhoons and kites with stink bombs attached.

A climber from Cupar fought off a bear by punching him in the face….The bear was thought to be out for a walk while waiting for his porridge to cool down.

The Mission

Jeremy Corbyn keeps mentioning Mission Creep…I always found Wayne Hussey from the 1980s Goth band The Mission, quite humorous instead of creepy.

Jeremy Corbyn keeps mentioning Mission Creep….which sounds like a strange goth dance at a 1980s disco.

The debate, vote and late TV rent a quote on Syria raised a few questions…like who cuts Diane Abbot’s fringe?

Took a while for world leaders to scorch and slash the Ozone with jets and motorcades and assemble from across the globe with no sense of irony in Paris for Climate Change discussions…Too late, that polar bear on the ice cap has just turned on his coal fire and said stuff yer planet and set his 4×4 Hummer’s satnav to the polar bear equivalent of Dignitas…

Hilary Benn gave a rousing, impassioned speech, camouflaged in anti- fascist rhetoric and thinly disguised as an audition for Labour Leadership. He scares me…He has a wee nippy pointy eagle face doesn’t he?

Corbyn looked like he was auditioning for I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here and Hilary Benn an X Factor candidate the judges and crowd all loved.

Krispy Kreme fans queued for up to 8 hours as a new shop opened at Braehead. For those who don’t know, Krispy Kreme is kind of Dunkin’ Donuts dunked in crystal meth.

Oscar Pistorius has been found guilty of murder. An appeals court overturned an earlier manslaughter verdict…If I was him I’d do a runner, steal a speedboat and play the theme to Hawaii 50 and water-ski to freedom.

Oscar Pistorius’s has had his verdict changed to murder…Kind of like Saturday evening TV in our house.

Two Fifa vice-presidents have been arrested in a dawn raid at a Swiss hotel on suspicion of accepting millions of dollars of bribes…It’s thought they were caught by a new development, bung-line technology.

Donald Trump has been called a bigot and racist by the Washington Post. He continues to deride President Obama, Hilary Clinton, The Kurdashians, Muslims, Mexicans…at this rate he’s either going to run out of money or people to insult.

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