Some Topical Gags and observations…


The Clangers are returning to our screens…All except the Soup Dragon who sadly was embroiled in an Operation Yew Tree investigation.

Prince Charles visited a monument on the anniversary of the Duke of Wellington’s victory at Waterloo…where he laid a police traffic cone at a jaunty angle.

The Royal Highland Show started this week. It’s Glastonbury and T in the Park for farmers…Chasing that big brown eyed babe in the Heifer tent.

president trump

In the week Jeb Bush and Donald Trump announced their candidacy for President, there was a mixed message from ISIS…suicides increased but there was also a cease fire…Experts think they may be killing themselves laughing.

Nervous, sweating big Hen Broon AKA John Swinney, believes that full fiscal autonomy or FFA is the best way to unleash Scotland’s potential…That and a couple of SNP voters with more money than sense winning another triple rollover in the Euromillions lottery would do the trick.

The Magna Carta suddenly became interesting for Scotland this week when it was revealed that a Scot played a pivotal role in it. Alan, lord of Galloway and constable of the Scottish king, Alexander II, was involved…his excerpt is the bit where it reads Tongs Ya bass…yer claimed and you’re malkied ya gonk.

David Starkey compared the SNP to Nazis. He claimed the Scottish Flag was like a swastika and likened the SNP’s view of English people to Hitler’s hatred of the Jews. We’re actually trying to get him on the phone…’
FX Phone…
V/O Yes hello, Dr Starkey? Yes…can you smell gas?

Lionel Richie signed autographs while on a tour of Westminster…One fan was a bit pushy…Lionel was in the middle of an early day motion when a pen and paper were slid under the toilet door.

Horticulturists in Edinburgh have a flower which smells of rotting fish and decaying flesh, Amorphophallus titanum, the corpse flower, one of the smelliest flowers in the world…Interflora have bought the rights for a divorce/ I never liked you/ break up flower.

1 in 3 Britons don’t exercise…the other two were out having a fag when the survey was done.

A 102 year-old man is thought to be the oldest ever best man. He even organised the stag do…in Dunkirk.

Chris Evans has got the Top Gear gig. Obvious in hindsight really, he was perfect for the role, a figure of abuse and derision, difficult and highly likely to punch his producer. Do they know Chris takes a Friday off, works half a day on Wednesday, starts late on Monday and is taking a gap year…

The financial crisis in Greece looks as if it will end in default. It’s a shame really, the Greeks gave us is Democracy, Philosophy, Comedy, Olympics, The Hippocratic Oath, Theatre and the Marathon…They are just rubbish with money. We’ve all got a pal like that. Not big Davie!!!??? Who gave Big Davie the kitty money? He’s rubbish with money.

Traffic wardens may be enlisted to enforce laws with smoking in cars if children are present…That’s all they need, additional powers. Traffic wardens, cops without an IQ…or a personality.

Michelle Obama spoke to a group of schoolgirls in East London on her global initiative to promote education. She made an inspirational plea for them to lead the parliaments, courtrooms and universities…Adding just never work in a Scottish jewellers…and if all else fails marry the president.

Donald Trump announced his candidacy for President. After his speech, which made Jeb Bush sound like Noam Chomsky, Trump has been dismissed as a joke candidate. That’s because he represents every aspect of the comedic clichéd American…Rich, loud, brash, fool-hardy, arrogant, bullying, rich, white, bad hair and does have a specific audience…He clearly speaks to the idiot…

Traffic wardens may be enlisted to enforce laws with smoking in cars if children are present…That’s all they need, additional powers. Traffic wardens, cops without an IQ…or a personality.

Scottish dentistry is in crisis; their prices are being capped.

Prof Tim Hunt, is an eminent scientist, the touch of mad professor, he’s not a sexist, just eccentric. I bet he would be everyone’s favourite lecturer. Let you go mental with the Van der Graaf Generator, allow you to throw burning magnesium into water, make a big lava overflow with potassium iodide and fight with Bunsen burners…That’s why the girls in the lab were crying…it was like the lab van in Breaking Bad.

Four candidates will compete for Labour leader. Jeremy Corbyn just made the list with seconds to spare. He’s an unusual candidate…he’s a genuine socialist and left winger. In current political parlance a left winger means he has a beard. It’s not even a full beard, more a lazy Modern Studies teacher type of facial hair gathering. The type of beard you get with an app.

Senior right leading figures say Jeremy Corbyn’s inclusion shows Labour has become the stupid party…No, you’ll find that happened on the morning of Friday May 8th.

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