Modern Life is Rubbish.

Coffee Served in a Soup Plate.

coffee as a soup plate

I don’t like this new craze in coffee houses. Over the weekend, as I avoided bloggers, writers and actors trying to be invisible but hoping someone would notice them as they pretended to file copy, tweet and poke. Why not buy a newspaper and a pencil and notebook like the old days? Anyway that’s not what really irked. Everyone was drinking coffee as if it was soup in a soup bowl. There were two handles on one of the cups and no handles on another. There’s a psychological conflict here. It’s coffee, not soup. Soup is warm and wholesome. It’s filling and reminds you of your gran. Coffee is supposed to be dangerous, sexy, invigorating. Do they dunk croutons instead of a muffin? Give us back a cup with a handle and ban all phones and iPads. Then you’ll have time to really think.



I find allotments sinister, clandestine places. Have you ever tried to join one? Good luck with that. It’s like Montgomery Alabama with ‘whites only’ water fountains. I’m convinced our local one is run by the KKK. I’m not sure what they’re excavating but it’s deep, cavernous and wreaking havoc with the drainage, they should call it Hitler’s Bunker. When I stand with my ‘BUILD A TESCO METRO HERE’ placard you’ve no idea the looks I get. They’ve no sense of irony either, there’s a very eco friendly family, green innovators, who park up in a Hummer Monster Truck gas guzzler and travel in a round journey from East Lothian, 98 miles, to pull up three scrawny carrots, a slug filled lettuce and a pock marked leak. Well you’ve got to look after the planet right?



I’ve always tried to stay indie. I love the GFT. The GFT is the one for me. The Glasgow Film Theatre is a traditional independent cinema. It’s a beautiful building and watching movies in the art deco surroundings reminds you of happier times. It’s like a cinematic comfort blanket. So much better than the huge astrodome Cineplex’s beside B&Q hangers and Pet Food Domes. Coming in at over six foot with a slouch, my legs lose the power to live. When leaving and slapping my thighs I must have looked like I was singing Whip Crack Away like some lunatic extra from a production of The Deadwood Stage. I looked around, I was surprised at the average height. I was the tallest person there. Theory? Smaller, older people go to indie cinema during the day and bigger younger people go to Cineplexes. Maybe it’s just because it’s a quid cheaper. Might be time to throw aesthetic out of the window and prevent a DVT


Have you noticed meetings are back with a vengeance? Everybody’s having meetings. People scurrying around going to meetings, organising and arranging meetings. Others, out the loop, looking on to see or hear what meeting they’re not invited to and having a smaller meeting/discussion about what’s going on. Before the main meeting, there’s normally a pre-meeting meeting about the main meeting. Then after the main meeting, there’s a post-meeting meeting to discuss the main meeting. Why can’t we just go for a walk?

Police on Bikes

Do you have a couple of police on bikes? A ubiquitous couple, male and female, near where you live? Where I am, I see them all the time, their luminous tight latex leggings and rippling calves as they cycle away from wherever the crime’s occurring? Paid a fortune to get fit and speed up and away from any trouble. It’s genius. You can see two gangs gathering, ready for a turf war in Coatbronx. Then I see the cops take a left and zoom off in another direction. I think they’ve a training need. Now when they whiz past me I know to turn and follow them home thus avoiding the carnage.

We Don’t Fix Things Anymore

I suppose the signs were there. The guy who came to fix the washing machine showed up on a horse wearing a stetson. He then proceeded to tell me I’d be cheaper buying a new one. I hear that all the time now. I’m not that old but I remember the guys in the local High Streets who would fix and repair things. Remember when the Hoover broke? You were shoved on the bus to the repair shop. In a strange way it gets to the very heart of the modern day and what’s wrong with our economy. It costs more to repair than it does to create. The skilled labourer has gone and the massed produced machine is cheaper to make. I don’t profess to have the intellectual wherewithal to do a treatise on economics but it just doesn’t make sense to me.

Apart from that I’m quite happy.

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