The great thinkers, Plato, (maybe Playtex?), Socrates, Aristotle, Voltaire, Rousseau and Cocteau must’ve been nudging each other across the celestial ether. Gathering in expectant anticipation as pure mental Michelle Mone was about to give it some, make a slingshot out of her latest Wonderbra and hit us with some pure mental Michelle wonder-bravado. ‘Quick! The great one is about to speak!’ In her usual style and in a moment of progressive expression and fluency, with her enlightened eloquence, Scotland’s very own business Betty declared Scotland would be a…’pure horror show’ if SNP and Labour got in. Oh how history’s great thinkers must love her pure no-nonsense Gallus, Glesga banter. Wait, there’s more classic Michelle. As befits her great Joan of Arc complex, her woe is me ‘oh the sacrifice I had to make’ nonsense, she continued…On the subject of the SNP no doubt questioning her ‘pure Scottishness’ claimed, ‘Pure rubbish. I’ve got the Clyde running through my veins.’ She better get to that new hospital then, sounds like a rusty Asda supermarket trolley is coursing through her bloodstream and has struck her brain. Michelle ‘I had it so hard, abject poverty, bullying listen tae me right Mone was geeing it pure laldy. Have you picked up her book? Every sentence is someone else’s fault. I saw them in Waterstones, millions of them, stacked up to the ceiling, finding their true purpose…propping up the toilet’s supporting wall. I remember when the poor wee misunderstood soul was ridiculed in an Industrial Tribunal after an electronic bugging device was found in a plant pot on the desk of her now former financial director. Straight out of the Bullingdon Rulebook that; she probably is a Tory. If you want to vote for any party you like, just do it, stop making a huge song and dance out of it. This line cracked my dander like a psycho’s head butt…’The High Street’s buzzing. People have more money to buy that car or treat the kids.’ Which High Street? Where is this happening? Kensington High Street? Not on any High Street I walk down. Treats for the kids? What like a Kit Kat chunky from the food bank? Again maybe she is a true Tory, she’s so desperately out of touch. Michelle has always had her eye on the prize. In this case the nod from Cameron to the House of Lords…She isn’t daft, I’d expect her next bra and panties range will be made of ermine…and she’ll be modelling it. When it comes to polls and predictions some make that urgent call to Psephologists like Professor John Curtice of Strathclyde University, or Professor Chris Hanretty from the University of East Anglia but if you truly want to know the outcome of the General Election, speak to bookmakers. They know how to most accurately call the result of any event. There are many reasons, they base their odds on statistical probability as well as public opinion. They have algorithms, research, loss adjusters, mathematicians and need to call it right for one main reason, that greatest of all motivations…cash. While experts stake their reputation on it, bookmakers have money on it. As they wouldn’t part with the steam from a streamy, once there’s money to be made or lost, bookies tend to apply far more energy into working out how an event will unfold. That’s why it made incredible reading to analyse the average prices for each constituency in Scotland. I thought Labour were just floundering, down to the leadership, or anger from No voters who felt let down after the referendum but would rally. I wasn’t expecting such a white wash. Forget Lord Ashcroft, I got under the bonnet of the average bookmaker prices for all 59 seats in Scotland. These five are just a sample from key marginals and high profile constituencies to keep an eye on. If they go first, it might be one to stay up late for. Airdrie and Shotts: SNP 2/9 Labour 3/1 UKIP 100/1 Lid Dem 100/1 Conservative 100/1 Coatbridge Chryston and Bellshill: SNP 4/6 Labour 11/10 Conservative 100/1 UKIP 100/1 Lib Dems 100/1 East Renfrewshire: SNP 4/5 Labour EVS Conservative 20/1 Liberal Democrat 100/1 UKIP 100/1 Glasgow East: SNP 1/6 Labour 7/2 Conservative 100/1 Liberal Democrat 100/1 UKIP 100/1 Paisley and Renfrewshire South: Snp 2/5
Liberal democrats 100/1
If the BBI (Bollen Bookie Index) pans out, we will have these results: SNP 54 Labour 2 Conservative 2 Lib Dems 1 The SNP would have claimed an astonishing 54 seats. Labour’s two seats are from Rutherglen and Hamilton West and Glasgow North East. The Conservatives seats are from Berwickshire, Roxburgh and Selkirk as well as Dumfriesshire, Clydesdale and Tweedale. The Lib Dems have one seat, in Orkney and Shetland. Of course the BBI (Bollen Bookie Index) is just for fun. Remember the bookies are richer than Professor John Curtice of Strathclyde University and Professor Chris Hanretty from the University of East Anglia. They also get it wrong sometimes so all isn’t lost just yet for Labour in Scotland. Labour are relying on the ‘silent majority’ to save the day. For the sake of some more traditional political balance, on the Newsnight Index, put together by Professor Chris Hanretty from the University of East Anglia and his colleagues, they forecast the SNP on 50 seats. UK wide the Conservatives were 9 ahead of Labour. Of course, once people go into the ballot box, the form book tends to go out the window. The only paper to have followed the thinking of a bookmaker is that bastion of turbulent effluence, The Sun. By declaring in the Scottish version that they are backing the SNP and in the English paper The Tories, they are covering their bets.